“TRAGEDY TONIGHT” OR “JILL SUSAN SQUIRREL PLAYS A CHIPMUNK’S BIRTHDAY PARTY” (THE MUSICAL)
NICOLE
How did Jill’s first paying gig go?
JEANNE
First and LAST.
How did Jill’s first paying gig go?
JEANNE
First and LAST.
NICOLE
She played a five-year-old chipmunk’s stinking birthday party. Hardly the main stage at Lilith Fair.
JEANNE
Let’s not forget we’re talking Jill Susan Squirrel. Ritalin Squirrel. Easily-distracted Squirrel. Miss I-don’t-have-to rehearse-I’ll-wing-the-whole-dang-show Squirrel.
She played a five-year-old chipmunk’s stinking birthday party. Hardly the main stage at Lilith Fair.
JEANNE
Let’s not forget we’re talking Jill Susan Squirrel. Ritalin Squirrel. Easily-distracted Squirrel. Miss I-don’t-have-to rehearse-I’ll-wing-the-whole-dang-show Squirrel.
NICOLE
And...
And...
JEANNE
It wasn’t bad. It was a bloodbath.
It wasn’t bad. It was a bloodbath.
NICOLE
Did you use your cell phone to make a video? PLEASE say you made a video. PLEASE!
Did you use your cell phone to make a video? PLEASE say you made a video. PLEASE!
JEANNE
Made a video?! I can’t forget it. It’s playing in my mind in slow motion like a car crash or my last date with a porcupine.
Made a video?! I can’t forget it. It’s playing in my mind in slow motion like a car crash or my last date with a porcupine.
NICOLE
Details, sister. ALL the gory details.
Details, sister. ALL the gory details.
JEANNE
She was trying to do both parts of some hopelessly obscure Hayley Mills song from the “Parent Trap”.
She was trying to do both parts of some hopelessly obscure Hayley Mills song from the “Parent Trap”.
NICOLE
I love that song.
I love that song.
JEANNE
Chipmunks do NOT.
Chipmunks do NOT.
NICOLE
Chipmunks have no taste.
Chipmunks have no taste.
JEANNE
But they do have great aim.
But they do have great aim.
NICOLE
Huh?
Huh?
JEANNE
They threw carrot cake at her screaming; “Get off the acorn” and “You stink squirrel” in those awful high voices of theirs.
NICOLE
Chipmunks are ALWAYS a tough crowd.
They threw carrot cake at her screaming; “Get off the acorn” and “You stink squirrel” in those awful high voices of theirs.
NICOLE
Chipmunks are ALWAYS a tough crowd.
JEANNE
Jill’s paws started shaking more and more. She twirled and tried to act cute -- which is hard with carrot cake dripping from your tail.
Jill’s paws started shaking more and more. She twirled and tried to act cute -- which is hard with carrot cake dripping from your tail.
NICOLE
That IS embarrassing.
That IS embarrassing.
JEANNE
Wait, you ain’t heard nothing...you haven’t heard a thing.
Wait, you ain’t heard nothing...you haven’t heard a thing.
NICOLE
And...
And...
JEANNE
A big hunk of cake knocked off her pageboy hat.
A big hunk of cake knocked off her pageboy hat.
NICOLE
OH NO! Not THE hat.
OH NO! Not THE hat.
JEANNE
She flung down her cardboard guitar, scampered across the table -- chipmunks flying left and right.
She flung down her cardboard guitar, scampered across the table -- chipmunks flying left and right.
NICOLE
And you didn’t make a video of that?
And you didn’t make a video of that?
JEANNE
Grabbing the birthday chipmunk’s Miss Piggy and Kermit, she proceeded to do a musical version of the last scene of Oedipus Rex.
Grabbing the birthday chipmunk’s Miss Piggy and Kermit, she proceeded to do a musical version of the last scene of Oedipus Rex.
NICOLE
Okay, now that sounds kind of awesome.
Okay, now that sounds kind of awesome.
JEANNE
Her “touching” soft-rock rendition of, “She’s My Mother, She’s My Wife” definitely quieted the room. You could have heard an acorn drop.
Her “touching” soft-rock rendition of, “She’s My Mother, She’s My Wife” definitely quieted the room. You could have heard an acorn drop.
NICOLE
I have a new hero.
I have a new hero.
JEANNE
Next thing I know, Miss Piggy is hanging from the ceiling fan, then Jill ripped Kermit’s little ping-pong ball eyes off and let out a blood curdling squirrel scream.
Next thing I know, Miss Piggy is hanging from the ceiling fan, then Jill ripped Kermit’s little ping-pong ball eyes off and let out a blood curdling squirrel scream.
NICOLE
“Call no frog happy until he is dead...”
“Call no frog happy until he is dead...”
JEANNE
That’s the last time I play roadie for THAT messed up squirrel. Oh gosh, here she comes. You didn’t see me. Bye.
That’s the last time I play roadie for THAT messed up squirrel. Oh gosh, here she comes. You didn’t see me. Bye.
NICOLE
Hey Jill. How did that show of yours go last night?
Hey Jill. How did that show of yours go last night?
JILL
It rocked!
It rocked!
NICOLE
Oh?
Oh?
JILL
It started off a little rough, but this squirrel knows how to master an acorn. I won them over.
It started off a little rough, but this squirrel knows how to master an acorn. I won them over.
NICOLE
If you EVER get another gig PLEASE let me tag along. I’ll be your toadie roadie... I’ll be your “merch” squirrel.
If you EVER get another gig PLEASE let me tag along. I’ll be your toadie roadie... I’ll be your “merch” squirrel.
JILL
You’re on my guest list, man. We can hang out back stage -- even if there isn’t a back stage. I’ve got a gig tonight -- with the same chipmunks.
You’re on my guest list, man. We can hang out back stage -- even if there isn’t a back stage. I’ve got a gig tonight -- with the same chipmunks.
NICOLE
WHAT?!
WHAT?!
JILL
Their hippy chick mother is a performance chipmunk. My first notice: “The concept of using plush instead of masks was inspired.”
Their hippy chick mother is a performance chipmunk. My first notice: “The concept of using plush instead of masks was inspired.”
NICOLE
I know you wing everything but...
I know you wing everything but...
JILL
I just wrote another musical...
I just wrote another musical...
NICOLE
And...?
JILL
...for a REALLY big star...
And...?
JILL
...for a REALLY big star...
NICOLE
AND!?
AND!?
JILL
...and she claims it is the best script she has ever been offered.
...and she claims it is the best script she has ever been offered.
NICOLE
Okay, who and what?
Okay, who and what?
JILL
Imagine this, Miss Piggy as Medea.
Imagine this, Miss Piggy as Medea.
NICOLE
Let me grab my camera.
Let me grab my camera.
Origin: I have been watching operas as of late. Philip Glass’s “The Fall of the House of Usher” and “The Juniper Tree”. I’m sure you know Poe, but “The Juniper Tree” is the grimmest of Grimm’s fairy tales. The opera has a soaring aria “Mama Killed Me, Pa Ate Me,” (not to be confused with that awful song from Yentl). I thought “Wow” that might scare a child forever!
Next, I watched Medea and Oedipus Rex. (Yes, I watch such things for entertainment.)
I began to dream of the best way to turn them into operas. The big question in doing Greek tragedy is: masks (which is how they were originally performed) or no masks? Hmmm, how about a child’s Greek tragedy with plush?
At first I imagined the chipmunks might be horrified but I remembered myself as a small chipmunk. The rest was easy. I really felt I captured the way Nicole and Jill talk in real life. It was fun to show the one scene from two points of view. The trick to that is NEVER tell the whole story twice. Let each character tell different parts of the whole story to avoid boring anyone.
© Gruesome2some 2013
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